Habanerogal

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They shall not grow old as we who are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.

In case both of you were wondering what on earth happened to me since I embarked on my journey to visit my family of origin, (as opposed to the one I created). I experienced many lovely peaceful moments with mom and brothers, some reflecting on love and life and a few trips around town to see what had become of the Toronto that I grew up in. Because I am not in my original environment regularly I have used the occasions when I am home to become somewhat reflective. Most of the time I just really don’t think about the life that I had there, which suits me just fine. Other times I relish seeing an old familiar face and that option really isn’t available. I don’t have the means to just jump on a plane any old time. Good and bad.
Additional thoughts on this may be forthcoming but I have been sick with THAT flu all week and my brain is a bit scattered.

I am jumping on a plane to go visit my family of origin for a few days so I may not be around here much, unless there are timezone issues and I am up late NOT sleeping.
As a virgo and a mom I always think that the whole household will fall to pieces in my absence. They are teenagers I’m sure they will survive and hopefully appreciate me a teeny bit more, for a while at least.

Since one of my only guilty pleasures in life is TV now that I don’t have the cancer sticks to fall back on I need a distraction. Lets face it if I drank beer to dull that non-smoky feeling I’d be a REALLY chubby drunk all the time. (not just on Twitter)

Since this is just a fantasty exercise let us begin with my first fave TV guy which is Anthony Bourdain. He is completely funny and irreverent, age appropriate and also one of my smoking quitting heros. His No Reservations twitter people even retweeted my thanks out there to the universe.

Hubby #2 Would be Don Draper also known by his real life name of Jon Hamm but alas character is a smoker so he’s out. Cheaters never get to be in my fantasy.
From the AMC gang as well would be another yummy dad named Bryan Cranston . My reasons from above still apply. Age appropriate check, irreverent check bit of a bad boy ( well his character does make drugs and lets people who are in his path just die) I say he’s bonafide.
Hubby #3 After food and drugs comes brave and dangerous so in that category I will have to go with Mr Don Eppes of Numb3rs
He is aloof and sexy in a non needy way unlike another CBS man of the night known as Jake Weber of Medium. His character is a bit too doormat for me.

In short I need a fantasy guy who isn’t my son’s age (ew cougar breath) and a bit smart and edgy. I will continue my quest in weeks to come but do tell me who is your fantasy TV hubby and why.

Hey can you believe it it has been an ENTIRE month since I gave the smokes the heave ho? I kind of forget that I ever smoked anymore it is strange. I could lie and say it has been a picnic but my family would call me out on that one. Suffice it to say I might have used up a lifetime of profanity and cancelled my subscription to any parenting publication that dared to tell me how to talk to teenagers.
I still haven’t really put the filters back on, the ones that flew out the window that miraculous day. I allow any angry thought I have to come spewing out of me. Most of them are directed at thin air when a particularly stupid or obnoxious caller has gotten under my skin. Some of them actually require an apology later when feelings of loved ones or Christians are offended.
Update: this post has taken a while to write due to the fact that I like to overanalyze my feelings but all in all I am still smoke free, still have my job and most of my family and friends still like and or love me.

Week one was all euphoria and change and fresh air. The rainbow and sunshine phase. Week two kicked me square in the box and left me sitting there sobbing like a schoolgirl. There was not a single person out there who I didn’t verbally attack last week. That guy at the convenience store who was all new and incompetent, toast. The busdriver who made me late for work due to too many babycarts and walkers equally toast.Family and friends are in the path too but at keast they might get an apology or an explanation for my outbursts. Or not.
I have never wanted time to pass more than now and for it to be naptime or some other distraction.
Yes I’ll have a sideorder of extra creamy stabbiness because it is just the chemicals talking. Now go away you’re pissing me off.

I am so happy to report that my Say No to Tobacco project is going really well. There has been a ton of support from all kinds of great people from my real life and from out there in Webland. I must say I am pretty psyched at how much love I have gotten. Anthony Bourdain just keeps getting sexier all the time his team did a ton to show me the love, just check out the twitter stream for #quittingrawks if you want.

There have been a few moments where I felt temptation tugging at me. Usually I get restless when waiting for a bus but I am rechanneling all of my yoga experience and learning how to breathe again.
Just out of curiousity when did everything start smelling so much? I mean teenagers and their B.O., feet and carpets blech I feel a Febreeze intervention coming on.
All in all I am happy content and a little restless. I will need a junkfood smackdown sooner than later. See y’all in the tent department for my next clothes shopping trip.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the reasons pro and con for smoking. Ya I hear what you’re thinking, there are no GOOD reasons to smoke. There are only justifications and excuses.
Addiction can make a brain do a lot of justifying.
Here it is in a nutshell. I need to have more money in my life, I don’t want to work more than 40 hours a week. Problem solved I just figured out how to put $250 per month back into our bank account.
I was told about Allen Carr’s Easyway to Stop Smoking years ago. I didn’t see how words on a page could quell the raging nicotine monster that dwells within. Turns out the dude makes quite a bit of sense.
I started my day like usual with me and the viking enjoying a cup of coffee and our morning smoke. I had been inundated with people in my real life and people I admire from afar pledging their commitments lately. After he left for work, I went upstairs and read the book.When I lit up that last cigarette I didn’t make a big celebration about it the way people do on New year’s Eve. It was just like all the other cigarettes I had ever smoked horrible tasting and unsatisfying. I put it out and then began thinking about how I will be healthier and more energetic before I know it.
My only regret is not doing it sooner.

No this isn’t a post about the lack of virtues of smoking. It is a time of nostalgia and reflection and the fact that I haven’t been to Toronto to see the family in WAY TOO LONG. I can always count on some visits with old friends, dropping tons of money in stores that just can’t be bothered opening branches in Alberta and the like.
The best part is seeing old surroundings through different eyes.
My to-do list (most of which I don’t accomplish)
1. Kensington and or St. Lawrence Market
2. Trip to Bluffers Park
3. Danforth Avenue fruit markets for tiny artichokes
4. Queen Street East or West they both have their charms
5. AGO if there is a good collection showing http://www.ago.net/current-exhibitions
6. visit with my mama for her 75th b’day that one is THE only thing I have to do
The rest is just fantasy and nostalgia and people who I hardly even know anymore wanting a piece of l’il old me.

It gets easier each time I return to just be selfish and do the things that matter the most. Spend time with family eat some REAL cheddar (Sorry Alberta one thing I will never accept is your cheese) and remember the girl who had a dream of The West.
I’ll never regret my decision to come out here but sometimes I miss out on all the family fun and drama of course but that is all ok.
Leave a comment if we should add something to the list and get together for a Sleemans on the patio. Cheers

Was reminded today since it is Canada Day of a trip that took us through Utah on the way to California. That story is a whole other post where I will tell you about leaving the country without even a toothbrush.
Anywho… we needed to stop to get an oilchange, since the Viking is a fanatic about car upkeep. The map told me that the next town with a dot bigger than an atom was called Beaver. Could this be true? I have a thing for taking photos of signs and the ones that say “Entering (insert name) and posing there. We got to the outskirts of this average size rural town and as I scout the horizon for any type of “Entering Beaver” sign I am heartbroken because they went for the less effective Welcome to Beaver.
This Canadian girl’s dream was crushed. On a brighter note, I did get a shot of the sign that bears my name going through Montana.


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